Run, Fatso! RUN!
by The Mini Marauderettes
Summary: Its Christmas Eve and The Potters have two unexpected guests!


**Run Fatso! Run!**

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a m-

"**ARGH!"**

Sirius Black, a handsome and _fairly intelligent_ young man, fell backwards off of the Potter's couch and landed on the floor with a thud. "Oof!"

He scrambled to his feet, sure that he'd heard some sort of movement on the roof. "Hmmm. Probably just my imagination…" he staggered back to the couch and snuggled back down under the blanket again. However, he'd just started to get comfy again when a blinding light filled the room causing him to cry out again!

"SIRIUS?!"

"WHATSGOINON??"

"What the hell are you doing here?" asked James groggily.

"I live here!" replied Sirius, sitting up.

"No you don't! Go back to your own house you bum!"

"Leave my bum out of this!"

"Um…?!"

"What?"

"Nothing…anyway, why were you shouting?"

"I heard a noise on the roof then fell off the couch! I hurt my –"

"That's nice Padfoot! Now…GO HOME!"

"But I really did hear something!"

"It was probably just your imagination. Go home! No, no don't give me those puppy dog eyes…Padfoot – stop it!" Sirius then changed into his Animagus form and pawed at James' leg, whining. "ARGH OK ALRIGHT STAY!!! But my God are you gonna have hell to pay in the morning!"

"On Christmas?" asked Sirius, now sitting on the floor – his hand still on James' leg!

"Well, when Lily finds out she will probably…stop touching me!"

"Wow! Are you that bad that she's not gonna wanna touch you on Christmas?!"

"Wha…?!" There was a very long silence. "SHUT UP! And get your hand off my leg!"

"My hands not on – oh sorry!" Sirius stood up and faced James. "Just be happy that I don't sleep nude!"

"Oh trust me – I couldn't be more grateful at this point in time!"

"Well, I don't usually in other people's houses…"

"But don't you share a house with Moony? Wait, stop – I don't wanna know any more!"

"Fine! You tell me all about you and Lily and I can't tell you about –"

"WHAT?! Kwa? kwa? FLIBBIDYGIBBET?!"

"I'm kidding! You know Moony's not my type – too brainy!"

"Again…kwa? Are you…gay?!"

"NO! Are you?"

"Yes. Yes I have a wife and a son and I'm gay!"

"I KNEW IT!"

"Yes, apart from the fact that I'm not!"

"Fine! Spoil my fun!"

"Fun?"

"I wanted to tease Lily about it!! Prongs?"

"What?"

"What's a flibbidygibbet?"

"Something you eat when you're high – now can you _please_ go back to sleep?!"

"Fine…you're boring – I wanna talk to Harry!"

"Harry can't talk yet!"

"And he's _still _better company than you!"

"Sleep. Now. You need it. _I_ Need it. For the love of all humanity – you CANNOT be sleep deprived tomorrow!"

"Yes, dad!"

"That's a good boy!"

"Dad?"

"What?"

"Can you read me a story?"

"…"

"Please?"

"Ok…once upon a time there was a man who could turn into a dog-"

"OOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooh!!! This is gonna be a good one!"

"Yes. Well one night he decided to sleep on his friend's sofa without permission and he wouldn't sleep and therefore bugged the hell out of everyone! His dad eventually threw him out side and he died!!!!"

"I don't like this story!"

"Then sleep it off!"

"Ok. Goodnight dad!"

"Goodnight…son!"

"Dad?"

"WHAT?"

"Can I get a glass of water?"

"No, but you can go outside if you want!" said James hopefully.

"No thanks. Wait – dad!"

"WHAT!"

"No goodnight kiss?"

James put off the light and slammed the door shut leaving Sirius alone in the dark! "SOME DAD YOU ARE!"

"SLEEP!"

"Sheep?"

"SLLLEEEEEEPPP!!"

"Huh?"

"GOODNIGHT!"

"James," came Lily's voice "Who are you shouting at? Is Harry awake?"

"No, I was shouting at my other son."

"YOUR WHAT?!"

"Sirius! Sirius! I meant Sirius!"

Sirius ran out of the living room. "You called?"

"No…go away!"

"But I love you daddy!"

"Don't call me that. In fact, don't talk to me at all!"

"But dad…"

"I'M NOT YOUR FATHER!"

"No, dad…!"

"SHUT UP, YOU BRAT!" James grabbed Sirius by the collar and pulled him towards the front door.

"No dad – I mean James – LOOK!"

"At wha - ?" Sirius had yanked free of James' grip and spun him around so he faced the living room. "Holy sh…flibbidygibbet!"

In the living room stood a large fat man in a red suit. He had a huge brown sack and a weird hat!

"Who the hell are you?"

"Save me dada! I don't want him to take me away!"

"He's not gonna take…on second thoughts – here, take him! TAKE HIM!" James grabbed Sirius by the shoulders and thrust him towards the mysterious stranger.

"No dad! I'm your only son!"

"TAKE HIM NOW!"

"LILY!"

"NOW I SAY!"

"LILY, HELP ME!"

"What the HELL is going on in here?!" The light suddenly flickered on again and Lily was standing in the doorway looking very tired and angry.

"He was trying to give me away!" whined Sirius.

"He kept calling me his father!" cried James.

"Ho ho ho!" chimed the fat guy.

"He _is_ my father!" moaned Sirius.

"No I'm not!" snarled James

"Sirius, he's not your father." Said Lily exasperatedly

"Oh…well then who the hell is this old fat dude?" asked Sirius.

"Oh God, first Sirius now you!" sighed James.

"GET OUT! I WAS HERE FIRST!" shouted Sirius!

"Why don't you both leave?" said Lily.

"Wanna tell us who you are?" asked James.

"Do ya? Huh? Do ya? You wanna piece of this? Do you wanna piece of me? Do you wanna piece of him?" asked Sirius, now pointing at James who was now looking absolutely disgusted. "_Trust me_ you don't want a piece of cake it's the _last _thing you need."

"Actually," said the fat guy "A piece of cake would be quite nice!"

"Well too bad buddy – I ate it all!" cackled Sirius.

"You ate _all_ my cake?!" yelled Lily.

"Well you don't need any – you're getting fat!" said Sirius.

"Oh really? Well you try staying thin when you're pregnant!" replied Lily coolly.

"How did you know I was pregnant?" asked Sirius.

"Um…"

"I'm kidding – Yo, dad, You ok?"

James was standing with his mouth wide open, staring at Lily's stomach. "You…kwa?…FLIBBIDYGIBBET!!"

"Ok I'm gonna go now!" said the fat guy. "It was nice meeting you all!"

"Uh, you still haven't told us who you are!" said Sirius.

"Why isn't it obvious? I'm Santa of course!" Chuckled the fat guy.

"Santa?! I LOVE SANTA! Good ole' saint Nick!"

"That's me!"

"YOU LIAR!" Sirius bounded forwards and punched Santa in the face. "YOU GREEDY FAT LIAR WITH NO FASHION SENSE!" Santa quickly retrieved his sack and fled up the chimney. "Oh no you don't fatso! You can't run from me!" Sirius stuck his arms and head up the chimney and started to climb. The chimney, however, had become very tight and Sirius was soon stuck! Seeing Santa's boots disappear from sight he hollered; "YEAH YOU BETTER RUN! RUN, FATSO! RUUUUN!!"

Meanwhile, James and Lily were still stood in the living room, staring at a struggling pair of Sirius legs wriggling in the fireplace. "Should we help him?" asked Lily.

"Nah, he'll get down eventually."

"Uh guys…" said Sirius. "A little help here?" James escorted Lily out of the room and turned off the light again. "Guys?" James stifled a laugh and closed the door. "GUYS! HELP ME!"

"Goodnight…son!" shouted James as he and Lily started up the staircase.

"GUYS!"

"Oh by-the-way," said Lily, "I'm not pregnant!"

"GUYS!"

"Thank God…" replied James

"DAD!"

"I think the two kids I already have are quite enough!"

"GUYS! AW C'MON!" Whined Sirius "This is what I get for eating all that cake isn't it? GUYS! SANTA! MOONY! HARRY! JEBUS! SOMEONE – HEEEELP!"

**The End.**

* * *

**A/N: **Ok, we know its July, but to be completely honest – we started writing this in December and forgot to write more!! We know it's a bit insane but we hope you like it! R&R please! **Cooldudette **&** TheDragonRider**


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